Sunday, August 14, 2005



I had missed you all this while. Finally you are there beside me. There were so many times when I needed to hear your voice because I knew that was the only thing possible at that moment of time. I wanted much more than that. Needed you near me. With me. But destiny has a way with life. Always surprising our expectations and letting them down. Then we don't know whom to blame. Do we? But then again we make our own destinies.

All that does not matter now. You are here with me. We still have our dreams and hopes. You understand me enough. You know me for who I am and not for who I pretend to be. I do not know how you do it or am I just transparent? I am not complaining.

Time changes everything. But there are moments that time can never erase. Moments that will remain forever unscathed and untouched. Has anyone ever been able to change the past? …

I don't have reasons for what my heart feels. Nor any explanation for the same. Hasn't altered. Doubt whether it will. The world was never my refuge. Isolation was my fortress.Now, I love my world because you are a part of it. Company is what I crave. My existence holds ground.

I don't want this to end but life knows better. We know better. No, it is not at all complicated. This is how it works. This is the only way it works. This is how it ends... This is how it begins...

The start of a journey with memories as friends. Unforsaken friends who will part ways as my memory ceases. As I cease to be. As everything ceases to be how once it was.... But time and again hope befriends me and I wait as I always have...

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Wednesday, August 03, 2005


To Be or Not To Be

My life is so full of unpredictabilities and contradictions that hypocrisy then becomes a natural trait. I seem to befriend change every now and then and sometimes I force myself to elude it but it always catches up with me. Drat! So much for escapism!

Adaptability always gets a late welcome though. For the simple reason that I am not ready to give up some things in my life no matter how rooted they are in the past but I know there is no future in being held down by memories and it's a precious waste of the present.So I do what I can to go on...I manage. I adapt. I give up.

Many a times I am caught between what I am and what I want to be. As of now I have no clue whatsoever where my life is heading. How does stuck in a rut sound? Some months and I will know what I want. As for what I am: numb, hurt, stubborn, ignorant, depressed and determined describe me the best right now. Don't worry it will change back to: funny, irritating, talkative etc... in some time. I don't know how much that "some time" is going to be though.

Friends are there. Thank God for them. Strange life I lead, always been betrayed by those whom I know and trust. Always rescued by people whom I don't know and don't bother to know as long as I am rescued. Selfish. Suits me. Hope it doesn't hurt them. I am my own destroyer. I am my own redeemer. Blame does not even come into the picture. Unforgiveness builds upon strong grudges. It pays up in the end. Again no worries. I move on.

To be what others want me to be has never ever materialised. Egoistic and me? Nah. What I want to be is still incomprehensible to me. Well my dear old friend will let me know. Time has not walked out on me as yet. I feel that this continuum has held me down and I know it will set me free too.

P.S: I guess the title of this post is not apt. Couldn't come up with something else. Words just freeze sometimes. Never mind.

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